The Ultimate Party Foul

As college students, we all embrace an unwritten code of party conduct. I mean, sure, we’ve probably all snuck some alcohol from someone else’s bottle without permission or spent too long making out in the bathroom while others are waiting, but overall there are just some things you don’t do.  I like to consider them “super party fouls.” And generally, after first semester of freshman year (at the latest), everybody should know what those things are. Or so I thought.

Story time. During my first year living off-campus, I threw a party. And about an hour into that party, I saw a girl go into the bathroom and stay in there for a while. Having already broken the seal, I waited patiently for six uncomfortable minutes until she reemerged. Assuming that she had been throwing up, I considered complimenting her on her still-flawless makeup and casual bathroom exit. I mean, that would have been a beautifully maneuvered puke-and-rally. But I decided that relieving my bladder was more pressing and rushed in.

My puking assumption was wrong. Despite exhausting what was probably more than half of my apple cinnamon air freshener (seriously, I needed a gas mask), I could clearly detect that she had not vomited, but rather relieved her back door!

My deepest beliefs about party propriety had gone down the drain (literally). So, let me give all you ignorant partygoers my single biggest piece of advice: Do not SHIT at somebody’s party. Ever. There are relatively few hard-and-fast rules about drunken conduct, but this is one of them and any host can back me up. When we are having bathroom heart-to-hearts or consoling crying friends, we do not want to smell your bowel movements.

Now I understand that, occasionally, we eat some bad Chinese food and things just happen. Sometimes these things can’t wait until we get home. Shitting your pants would clearly be more embarrassing than taking a crap at a party. But if it happens that you absolutely must poop at a party, do it, try to cover the smell, and get out. Chances are, if it’s so bad that you couldn’t wait, it’ll be coming around again and you shouldn’t be out. I would also recommend never again eating whatever it was you ate, at least before going out.

Otherwise, and I shudder to think that it’s even necessary to say this, just don’t do it. You can get away with almost anything else. Vomit on someone – it’ll at least be funny to the rest of us. But don’t shit.

*As a side note, the offending pooper has not been invited back.

Procrastinate, Cheat, Succeed

Whelp, it’s that time of year again where finals come to blast college kids all over the world directly in the face. For months you’ve been able to get away with skipping class to nurse your hangovers with weed and Super Mario Kart on N64, but now it’s time to show the world, a.k.a. your parents and teachers, that you are the master of your domain, and that despite your obvious lack of effort, school aint nothin but a baby back bitch. Obviously this is easier said than done, but from my experience, the students with the brightest futures are the ones who can stare their blatant procrastination in the face, step-up to the plate and find a way to pass their classes, even if it means cheating their balls off.

Now I understand that cheating is looked down upon in our society, but I believe that is the wrong point of view for people to have. Cheating is nothing more than a harsh synonym for “finding loopholes,” and finding loopholes is the key for any and all successful entrepreneurs. Bill Gates? Didn’t even go to college, but if he did, you can be damn well sure he would have spent more time figuring out an algorithm to predict the pattern of correct scantron answers then he would have grinding his precious time away attending classes and studying. Did I mention that the average GPA of a Fortune 500 CEO equates to a C+? Successful people are not necessarily the smartest ones, they are the ones who know how to outsmart the system. They game plan while the rats work. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be the rat handing out the cheese, than the rat begging for cheese.

While cheating can be a necessary in college due to your EXTREME opportunity cost, it should always be used as a crutch and not a walker. Think of it like a trick play in football. Do it every once in awhile, and you’ll get away with it, but do it all the time, and you’re bound to get caught. Balance is an important part of being successful. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and all play and no work will make you my friend Rick, who works at a Hobby Lobby in Macon, GA. Learn how to incorporate cheating into your work hard/play hard balance, and you will be able to spend a lot less time doing end of chapter practice problems, and a lot more time playing drunk co-ed intramural softball with that girl/guy you can’t stop daydream f***ing from calculus class. Carpe the diem!

Some call it procrastination, I call it fearlessness. So to those of you reflecting on the past semester and realizing you don’t even know the name of your Biology teacher, suck it up, get yourself together, and realize that no matter how bad the season has been, you can still win this one final game to make up for the past 4 months worth of unproductive exhilaration. Hit up your friend’s Adderall dealer, gather all the student notes you can, sit next to the Asian kid the day of the test, and do whatever you have to do to figure out how to squeak your way out of a failing grade. December is the time when when champions are made, so get out there, take a page out of the Bill Belichick playbook, and cheat/loophole your way to greatness!!!

So whats your REAL Job Gonna Be?

There’s this old Kanye West song that goes “the major that she majored in don’t make no money.” And I swear to you, every single time I play it, people subconsciously look at me. And every time I hear it, I’m just like “damn, Kanye, why are you writing about me?! Congrats on the baby, btw.” Being a self proclaimed, “fashion major” (my actual major is “fashion merchandising with a minor in marketing” but who wants to hear that? Sounds way too functional) so I’ve heard every single thing that can be said about majors that aren’t so black and white with a set goal job.

“So… do you wanna manage a Victoria’s Secret?”

“What, you had to take math classes?”

“Haha, are you gonna work for Louis Prada Jacobs?”

 “Dude, you’re gonna be a coffee bitch for like 7 years.”

So here’s to all my fellow students who are majoring in an industry that most people don’t consider “logical.” I’m talking to you journalism, English, broadcast, theater  or anything that when you say your major people politely pause and say “sooo… what are you actually going to do?” No worries, I understand why…  but there are plenty of reasons to be jealous of us.

1. We can literally choice whatever particular career path we want. Since we have a general knowledge of a certain industry, it really allows a variety of different jobs. I’ve been in my classes for two years now, and I’ve changed my dream job about 80 different times ‘cause every option seems so exciiiittting.

2. A passion for our class content. I love everything about the fashion industry. I don’t dread going to my classes ‘cause they’re so boring, I only dread putting on pants.

3. Everything is always changing. While an education major knows the subjects they absolutely must teach their class, our majors are new almost every day. People are always striving to come up with something that hasn’t been done yet, and make a name for themselves.

4. We know more than you think. Behind every “artsy” major is some real shit, I’m telling you. Marketing is a huge component for my major. I could tell you the different ways colors effect purchasing or why you have to walk all the way to the back of a store for milk. Theater majors know and can quote famous literature, photography students know the most important political problems of our time, and journalism students will ultimately be writing articles that you will form your opinions from.

So while I totally respect your quest for a biochemical engineering degree, I just had to point out the perks of… oh man, hold on, I gotta get my boss a latte…

The Science of Studying

Finals week.  The week that comes around twice a year when students post cliché Instagrams of Starbucks, textbooks, and laptops with the tags “#studygrind #library #adderall” attached.  When those who have never stepped foot in the library set up camp for hours each day mindlessly staring at the half-assed notes they tried to take all year.  Everyone has their own studying methods, but there is an easy way to classify yourself as one of two types.

Quantity Studiers

Quantity studiers are the ones that leave their room at 9 a.m. and come back at midnight.  This group makes up the majority of the people you see who have made the library their home for the week.  Their diets consist of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Red Bull, and Jimmy Johns.  Often you’ll hear quantity studiers “bragging” about how much time they spent in the library “studying”.  Although the efficiency of a quantity studier isn’t exactly known, I can’t imagine it’s very high.  One is only able to stare at how to find the covariance between two factors so long.  Why study so long when it might not be necessary?  Quantity studiers need the mental reinforcement that they have done all they can do to prepare for an exam, and spending countless, unnecessary hours gives them the reassurance.

Quality Studiers

These guys have it figured out.  They realize that there is a perfect amount to prepare for an exam- and it’s not very much.  Quality study students will spend a moderate amount of time preparing for an exam, as they would any other.  They realize that it’s not how much you study, but the quality of the time you spend.  Maybe they go out Tuesday night for a drink or attend dollar-you-call-it on Thursday. Freshman and Seniors are the most two common types of quality studiers.  Freshman attitudes have the “I have 3 more years to fix my GPA if this goes poorly” mentality whereas Seniors have the “Screw it, I’m done” attitude.

 

While one method isn’t right or wrong, quality studying definitely utilizes your last week of the semester far better.  Which type of studier will you be?

Which Type of Professor Do You Have This Semester?

THE ARTSY PROFESSOR

This guy most likely has long hair that he puts in a ponytail. I mean, what is the point of having a guy mane if you are going to wear it in a ponytail every single fucking day? And don’t forget the occasional fedora. He’s cool, calm and collected and never follows the syllabus. We like this professor because he cancels class often but we get annoyed when he pulls us aside to suggest another “good read” by Edgar Allen Poe.

THE GRAD STUDENT

Let’s be honest, we ALL hate the grad student professor. This person is so unnecessarily strict, I guess because they are trying to “prove” themselves? Whatever, we hate them because they assign busy work that they ACTUALLY grade. He or she is also a know-it-all, another quality no one notices and jumps for joy. No one gives a shit about all your accomplishments, you nerd.

THE OLD FUCK

Just because the title is “Old Fuck” doesn’t mean we do not like this type of professor; we actually do like him/her. Because they are so fucking old they forget about assignments, get off topic and give out study guides and tests that haven’t been changed in 4+ years so you usually know someone who has had the class before. Get ready to boost your GPA up with this one.

THE “SO FUCKING BORING YOU’D RATHER LICK YOUR DORMS BATHROOM TOILET THEN ATTEND THIS CLASS” PROFESSOR:

This professor’s voice is so monotone that you can’t even bear to listen through a whole sentence. The bad thing is, you actually need to pay attention in this class but it is utterly impossible. The only thing you can pay attention to is their outfit, which consists of rags in earthly colors. The mid-life crisis shows on this professor and quite frankly, we don’t appreciate it. It’s making us hate our major more than we already do! You will either end up dropping this class or making a D.

THE OVERLY-ENTHUSIASTIC PROFESSOR:

This professor is WAY too excited about class. Trust me, there is no way that micro-economics is that interesting and cool. They wear bright colors and make-up, most likely young. They are big on participation and feedback but I’m fucking sorry, do not ask me to talk if it’s 9AM or earlier. Pop quizzes and an attendance policy are a must for this teacher so you better hobble your hung over ass across campus so he/she can see your “bright shining face!”

THE FOREIGN PROFESSOR

Here we go, the foreign professor. We all have one sometime in our college career, and hopefully only once because no one understands the material in the first place so not understanding a damn word your professor says only makes it ten times worse. This class consists of your fellow students giggling, yelling “what?!” and the occasional “what the fuck did he just say?” whisper under their breath. You don’t drop this class because they probably curve considering no one makes over a 70 on a test.