The Ultimate Party Foul

As college students, we all embrace an unwritten code of party conduct. I mean, sure, we’ve probably all snuck some alcohol from someone else’s bottle without permission or spent too long making out in the bathroom while others are waiting, but overall there are just some things you don’t do.  I like to consider them “super party fouls.” And generally, after first semester of freshman year (at the latest), everybody should know what those things are. Or so I thought.

Story time. During my first year living off-campus, I threw a party. And about an hour into that party, I saw a girl go into the bathroom and stay in there for a while. Having already broken the seal, I waited patiently for six uncomfortable minutes until she reemerged. Assuming that she had been throwing up, I considered complimenting her on her still-flawless makeup and casual bathroom exit. I mean, that would have been a beautifully maneuvered puke-and-rally. But I decided that relieving my bladder was more pressing and rushed in.

My puking assumption was wrong. Despite exhausting what was probably more than half of my apple cinnamon air freshener (seriously, I needed a gas mask), I could clearly detect that she had not vomited, but rather relieved her back door!

My deepest beliefs about party propriety had gone down the drain (literally). So, let me give all you ignorant partygoers my single biggest piece of advice: Do not SHIT at somebody’s party. Ever. There are relatively few hard-and-fast rules about drunken conduct, but this is one of them and any host can back me up. When we are having bathroom heart-to-hearts or consoling crying friends, we do not want to smell your bowel movements.

Now I understand that, occasionally, we eat some bad Chinese food and things just happen. Sometimes these things can’t wait until we get home. Shitting your pants would clearly be more embarrassing than taking a crap at a party. But if it happens that you absolutely must poop at a party, do it, try to cover the smell, and get out. Chances are, if it’s so bad that you couldn’t wait, it’ll be coming around again and you shouldn’t be out. I would also recommend never again eating whatever it was you ate, at least before going out.

Otherwise, and I shudder to think that it’s even necessary to say this, just don’t do it. You can get away with almost anything else. Vomit on someone – it’ll at least be funny to the rest of us. But don’t shit.

*As a side note, the offending pooper has not been invited back.