So whats your REAL Job Gonna Be?

There’s this old Kanye West song that goes “the major that she majored in don’t make no money.” And I swear to you, every single time I play it, people subconsciously look at me. And every time I hear it, I’m just like “damn, Kanye, why are you writing about me?! Congrats on the baby, btw.” Being a self proclaimed, “fashion major” (my actual major is “fashion merchandising with a minor in marketing” but who wants to hear that? Sounds way too functional) so I’ve heard every single thing that can be said about majors that aren’t so black and white with a set goal job.

“So… do you wanna manage a Victoria’s Secret?”

“What, you had to take math classes?”

“Haha, are you gonna work for Louis Prada Jacobs?”

 “Dude, you’re gonna be a coffee bitch for like 7 years.”

So here’s to all my fellow students who are majoring in an industry that most people don’t consider “logical.” I’m talking to you journalism, English, broadcast, theater  or anything that when you say your major people politely pause and say “sooo… what are you actually going to do?” No worries, I understand why…  but there are plenty of reasons to be jealous of us.

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The Ultimate Party Foul

As college students, we all embrace an unwritten code of party conduct. I mean, sure, we’ve probably all snuck some alcohol from someone else’s bottle without permission or spent too long making out in the bathroom while others are waiting, but overall there are just some things you don’t do.  I like to consider them “super party fouls.” And generally, after first semester of freshman year (at the latest), everybody should know what those things are. Or so I thought.

Story time. During my first year living off-campus, I threw a party. And about an hour into that party, I saw a girl go into the bathroom and stay in there for a while. Having already broken the seal, I waited patiently for six uncomfortable minutes until she reemerged. Assuming that she had been throwing up, I considered complimenting her on her still-flawless makeup and casual bathroom exit. I mean, that would have been a beautifully maneuvered puke-and-rally. But I decided that relieving my bladder was more pressing and rushed in.

My puking assumption was wrong. Despite exhausting what was probably more than half of my apple cinnamon air freshener (seriously, I needed a gas mask), I could clearly detect that she had not vomited, but rather relieved her back door!…

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The Science of Studying

Finals week.  The week that comes around twice a year when students post cliché Instagrams of Starbucks, textbooks, and laptops with the tags “#studygrind #library #adderall” attached.  When those who have never stepped foot in the library set up camp for hours each day mindlessly staring at the half-assed notes they tried to take all year.  Everyone has their own studying methods, but there is an easy way to classify yourself as one of two types.

Quantity Studiers

Quantity studiers are the ones that leave their room at 9 a.m. and come back at midnight.  This group makes up the majority of the people you see who have made the library their home for the week.  Their diets consist of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Red Bull, and Jimmy Johns.  Often you’ll hear quantity studiers “bragging” about how much time they spent in the library “studying”.…

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Procrastinate, Cheat, Succeed

Whelp, it’s that time of year again where finals come to blast college kids all over the world directly in the face. For months you’ve been able to get away with skipping class to nurse your hangovers with weed and Super Mario Kart on N64, but now it’s time to show the world, a.k.a. your parents and teachers, that you are the master of your domain, and that despite your obvious lack of effort, school aint nothin but a baby back bitch. Obviously this is easier said than done, but from my experience, the students with the brightest futures are the ones who can stare their blatant procrastination in the face, step-up to the plate and find a way to pass their classes, even if it means cheating their balls off.

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Which Type of Professor Do You Have This Semester?

THE ARTSY PROFESSOR

This guy most likely has long hair that he puts in a ponytail. I mean, what is the point of having a guy mane if you are going to wear it in a ponytail every single fucking day? And don’t forget the occasional fedora. He’s cool, calm and collected and never follows the syllabus. We like this professor because he cancels class often but we get annoyed when he pulls us aside to suggest another “good read” by Edgar Allen Poe.

THE GRAD STUDENT

Let’s be honest, we ALL hate the grad student professor. This person is so unnecessarily strict, I guess because they are trying to “prove” themselves? Whatever, we hate them because they assign busy work that they ACTUALLY grade. He or she is also a know-it-all, another quality no one notices and jumps for joy. No one gives a shit about all your accomplishments, you nerd.…

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